Between the Storm and the Rainbow

After the loss of our daughter, my husband and I were advised not to start trying for another baby until at least 3 months had passed.

“Your body needs time to heal,” the doctor said.

I was devastated. All I wanted to do was try to have another baby. But, that was my broken heart talking and not my head. I wanted that Rainbow Baby more than anything so we could move on from the heartache of losing our daughter halfway through our last pregnancy. What the doctor should have said was, “your heart needs time to heal.” I think all of me did.

When my husband and I went for our follow-up check, the doctor said my body looked ready enough to start trying again. And although my heart hadn’t healed–it still hasn’t–I felt ready to put my body back into the condition of pregnancy. So we tried.
And tried.
And tried.
And tried.

And I got pregnant every time. And then, a few weeks later, I wasn’t pregnant anymore.
It seemed that my hormones would kick into gear, but not into a gear high enough to keep my body pregnant. There were many tears of joy shed over positive pregnancy tests and mere weeks later many tears of shame and sadness fell upon my pillow. What was going on?
At the advice of a friend, my husband and I went to go see Dr. Miguel Damien at Damien Fertility Partners in Shrewsbury. We booked an appointment for the next week. One previously taken by a couple who had cancelled last minute because they had gotten pregnant and no longer needed his services. Was this a sign?
When we arrived at Dr. Damien’s office, I was pleasantly surprised by the greeting we received and the zen-style of his waiting rooms. There were even hot drinks and snacks. Well, this could work out!

My husband and I sat quietly. Our nervous energy was palpable. Thank goodness for the candy jar between us.

When we were finally seated in Dr. Damien’s office, I began to get emotional. What if this didn’t work? What if there was something wrong with me? Or my husband? Or both of us? What if we were destined never to have a baby? Could we weather that storm?
Dr. Damien interrupted by racing thoughts with his smooth, confident, and positive air when he came bounding through the door of his office. He introduced himself and got right to work. He ordered what seemed like an endless list of blood tests. “You can’t have all of my blood,” I joked. He smiled.

“We are going to figure out what’s going on and then take action,” he said.

I started to cry. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

I was just so grateful that someone was willing to help me. I couldn’t hold it together anymore. “If you want to get pregnant, we will get your pregnant,” he said confidently. I left feeling relieved and uplifted.

That initial visit was followed by rounds of testing–blood and otherwise–for both me and my husband; all of which preyed on my nerves. And every time–every single time–test results came back stating that we were both completely normal. There was no reason I shouldn’t be able to stay pregnant. More tears. I said to Dr. Damien, “well I’m not staying pregnant, so there has to be something!” He assured me that he could help me get pregnant and keep me there.

We started the IUI process shortly after going over all of our test results. Daily injections. Blood tests and ultrasounds every few days. Supplements. It required a lot of early mornings.

But it was worth every lost minute of sleep, every anxious tear before an injection, and every ounce of gas it took me to commute back and forth to his office nearly four times a week. (I began to understand the availability–and necessity–of the coffee and snacks during all those frequent appointments.) Because a few months after we started our journey, I was pregnant. And staying pregnant.

There were side effects, of course, both physical and emotional, and I was uncomfortable and sick, but at the six-week ultrasound–I had made it six weeks!–Dr. Damien told us we were having twins. My husband laughed. I cried. Both were signs of relief, excitement, and pure joy. “Looks like you got a freebee in there,” Dr. Damien said.

“Congratulations!”

We left the office with goofy grins plastered on our faces. “We will see you again when you bring the babies in!” everyone said.

“It’s over?” I asked.

“No!” they laughed. “It’s just beginning. But our job is done.”

We left after many “thank yous” and “see you soons” but since that day, we haven’t been back. Dr. Damien kept his promise to us and sent us on our way to start our family. I can’t wait to go back and visit this winter with our two Rainbow Babies in tow.